I tell my kids often when we are together that "they made all my dreams come true!"
When I was younger I always wanted 8 kids. I'm not sure if I was trying to one-up my parents on that dream, or what. But? Its what I wanted.
All I wanted to be was a Mom and I just wanted 8 kids. Those were all my dreams.
After having 1 child that number went down to 6.
The second child brought it to 4.
The 3rd child seemed like it would be a great caboose.
No, really, though. I remember rocking my Cooper when he was a baby and after weaning him...I snuck in a few more feedings because my heart hurt. I had the STRONGEST impression that it would be a long while before I'd rock another baby of mine to sleep. And that's about when things really REALLY started to fall apart.
When dating the second time around I was super open to having more kids. I dated a lot of guys who had never been married before and definitely wanted kids of their own also.
After meeting Jeremy and shortly after knowing he was my guy (it took him a hot second to figure it out...meh...I mean to admit it because he knew the same day I did) I started thinking about our family. 7 kids seemed like plenty. Seemed like our house and our hearts were full enough. So? I started tucking the thought of having another child in the very back of my head.
And we tried to move on.
And then we couldn't.
So now we have 8.
And I cry. A lot. Out of Joy.
When the kids are all fighting and I'm running around yelling "I just feel like a referee (got that one from my mother)! STOP fighting! If someone calls tap-tap-seat back just give it back! Or tap-tap blanket back, or tap tap remote back or tap tap ANYTHING back. I'll just throw it away if you guys cant figure it out!"...phew. My heart is racing like its happening right now. Ha!
When this happens I just look around and after all the contention I say "Thanks for making all my dreams come true. All of you. You couldn't have done it if any one of you were missing."
And I mean it.
I have more dreams now than I did as a child. More ambitious and scary dreams. Although, having 8 kids is kinda scary and pretty dang ambitious. But I am so thankful these dreams of motherhood have come true for me.
I've been kidless for 2 days now minus Brighton.
We were all together for 1.5 months. That is the longest run we have had.
I'm writing right now to process. Because I hurt.
Because I'm sad.
Its too quiet.
Its too clean.
I've fought back the tears on many occasions.
This whole sharing kids thing isn't fair to anyone and it just sucks.
But my dreams came true and they know that.
Every second counts.
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