Broken Together

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete Could we just be broken together If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine Could healing still be spoken and save us The only way we'll last forever is broken together

I found this song by Casting Crowns called Broken Together. It's one of those songs that, when you find it, you listen to it for days. Well it was for me anyways.

During my 4 years or so of being single I did a lot of healing. In fact, I remember thinking to myself...I'm whole! I feel whole! I was excited and proud of that for a couple of reasons:

1. I was a M E S S after my divorce. A broken mess. It was bad. There were times I wondered if I'd ever even function as a human again. My brain was rewired in so many unhealthy ways I didn't know what was up and what was down.

2. I had worked my butt off to get to a place of peace. Every step along the way was a fight. Acknowledging the truth, accepting reality, accepting help, working through years of lies to find any sort of truth, forgiveness, accepting triggers as they were and working through them, and the list goes on.

Eventually I got to the point where triggers were few and far in-between. And, instead of full blown panic attacks in the middle of the grocery store it became just my heart racing for a second until I could process through it. That's a big deal.

I would NOT have described myself as broken when I met my husband. Not at all. I would dare say I was my best self.

Well? As life would have it I wasn't prepared for the trials of marriage combined with trials of life even in all my preparation and healing. The trials of life. The trials of blending. The trials of reality. All of it.

Ya'll, I was broken yet again. A different kind of broken, but MAN it sucked to realize I had a full hidden pocket of things I needed to work through now that I wasn't alone anymore. Now that I had to make decisions with another person again. Now that I had to relearn intimacy again. Now that I had to learn give and take without fearing he would take and take and take because I truly didn't know that was a thing.

But it wasn't my fault. And it wasn't my husband's fault. It just was! And, guess what? He had to do the same thing. So much healing was being done under one roof. It got messy. It was painful. It was hard. It IS hard.

You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand And we dove into a mystery

When I heard this song I just sat there staring at the wall as a huge realization came into my heart; We were broken. BUT, we were broken together. And that was ok. We could sit in this pain together rather than try to deny it was there. Or mask the fact that we are feeling it in an effort to have a happy marriage immediately.

I'm praying God will help our broken hearts align And we won't give up the fight

Although giving up was not on the table, marriage is hard. 2nd marriages are hard. I lost myself and dove into all of this with my typical self sacrificing tendencies. NOT good.

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine.

Just yesterday we were hit with yet another trial of faith. Another trial that we were blindsided by. We are both still learning through everything we have been through that we need to hit our knees and not shake our fists upward. With all that we have both been through, and all that pain we've both endured and all of the broken dreams we've both brought to the table...its a pretty darn hard sometimes.

The only way we'll last forever is broken together.

I guess the lesson I've learned is just that; No more expectations of being 100% all the time. No more trying to have the perfect life (whatever that is.) No more expecting something tomorrow when it may take years to accomplish. No more fearing that if Jeremy see's the broken parts of me he'll run. But? Those are just the goals. Not the happenings of my daily choices. I'm trying!

The only way we'll last forever is broken together.

And here we are bringing a baby into this beautiful chaos. Here we are starting over in another realm of life. Here we are choosing to be led as we chip away at the pain our path brings. Jeremy loves deeply and I'm so thankful for his willingness to be my partner.

He's kind of really awesome. And insanely attractive. And forgiving. And fun. And an optimist. And I could go on and on.

What do you think about when you look at me I know we're not the fairy tale you dreamed we'd be.

I't funny to pair this post with these amazing maternity photos. But here's the thing... most of the beauty and joy in my life is paired with some sort of confusion or pain. So? It seemed fitting.